Lifeless Blue

Sometimes I miss the bus, thinking

I hold that bite and stare

When typing, I stop

To watch my fingers waver

A letter and its words

remain close to my heart

Life's favor

normalcy doesnt start

Places are etched

Meaningless moment

A joke, an oft-repeated line

dark corners and familiar scents

Some concrete where hands were held

a song that describes 'you'

The palette

is lifeless blue...

Lessons from Coco

"Every comedian dreams of hosting the Tonight Show and—for seven months—I got to do it. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second [of it] ... All I ask is one thing, and I'm asking this particularly of young people that watch: Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record it's my least favorite quality. It doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."

—Conan O'Brien, on his departure from The Tonight Show, January 22nd, 2010

Fiction : At the Government Office

I vowed to carry my pro-national, pro-justice, anti-bribery self to the government office. I did just that.

Nature carried rain, scorching heat and random breeze through its four hour rendezvous with humans in a long queue.

People were making deals on the phone, some listened to music and queue gossip. Usual remarks about bribery being a menace were promptly forgotten once the paperwork was handed down to them. I refrained from preaching and hoped that my work wouldn't involve cash exchange.

The one wearing diamonds and the latest Coach bag was in front of me. She fretted, fumed and drank Evian. The clerk incharge of this section had weird skin on his hands. The kind that was blistered, red and made you squirm. Not in a cruel way. You wondered what that disease was, thanked God for your own baby skin and wished he could get treatment.

The one with diamonds created a class scene. Dirty diseased hands could not touch her paperwork. She was acknowledged by the supervisor, much to the clerk's chagrin. The supervisor seemed to agree with her in a subtle way. The remaining people in the queue got a valid reason to refuse a bribe.

I waited my turn. He kept quiet as he shuffled papers and grunted at the lack of resources. I understood his grumpiness and placed the bribe along with the documents.

I didnt believe in it, but I thought something ought to help this man who was cornered by pseudo-justice seekers and colleagues who thought his skin was a valid reason to disparage him.

Perfect Frame

Why dont they call with a new question?

Why must the call begin with news

Why cant they offer her a hug

Why do they never ever realize that maybe just maybe she may be scared

Do they know...

She sits in a corner and sheds tears

She worries about the world and their thoughts

In the cozy corner of the room

her heart reminds her of the real thoughts in her head

she realises that breaking shackles is not easy

and then she smiles

then there is the realization that she must

go back to the frame

the frame that sits still and conveys normalcy.

Have you ever looked at a frame and wondered about the smiles?

Have you ever looked beyond the eyes that are trained to lie?

Have you ever shared silences with understanding?

Have you looked into your heart and found someone who isnt you?

Have you weighed options and realised that feelings and hurt weighs the most?

Have you ever seen perfect love and realized that covering up is an art?

Have you given a free, uncomplicated hug to a stranger that needed one question less?

We all have perfect frames in our homes. We cherish them, glance at them and smile at a memory. Well, some of us do.

We all hope for a perfect frame, even in our most dire of states. As a writer, I take inspiration from shards of broken hearts and sunny dispositions. I just wish I get to write more happy stories and the inspiration for this poem finds that lost peace.

Fiction : Corny Glue

She hopped on the steps to head into the mall. The air was cold and the soft shawl gave her much needed comfort. For a change the RJ was playing soothing happy songs.

It feels great to be outdoors. I should do this more often.

'Now we have a caller with details of the latest hip events in town. Listen in if you want to know where to head out to!'

She fiddled with her purse to check how much money she had. The sight of blue plastic reminded her that she needed to get back to work asap. All this leave taking wasnt going to look good for her appraisal. She waited in the security line, listening to a stream of unnecessary conversation between the RJ and a caller.

Why do they talk so much? Why not just play songs all day long?

Her turn was next. After the security check she smiled at the security guard and walked in. She was sure retail therapy was the solution.

'And now wherever you are and what ever you are doing, I have the perfect song for you loners! Have you ever felt like the conversation was incomplete? That things ended too quickly? That all that unknown anger was buried deep inside? ....then...relationships...this song...'

She started to admire a giant Santa Claus prop and thought of Christmas last year. Behind the red and white cutout, she saw him laughing. That ruffled hair, the same sudden smile and the deep laugh. Suddenly the dried pastures of her heart cried out for cheesy, corny love. She thought it was a tightly shut treasure chest. Her Heart. In reality it was held together with cheap glue. Cheap glue of sudden meetings and rare appearances. She had turned her back onto something that was...

'Kitni baatein yaad aati hain

Tasveer aisi ban jaati hain

Main kaise inhe bhoolon

Dil ko kya samjhoon...'

(So many memories

form a collage in my mind

How do I forget them

How do I convince my heart?)

She smiled a silly smile. Her life was held together by corny glue. When she did bump into her near perfect past, there was an appropriate song, red confetti on the floor, Santa by her side and countless Whys in her head.

NOTE: Clearly this post is about a broken heart. But we all are reading about broken lives in Haiti that need our prayers and monetary help. If you are having trouble donating money due to payment gateway issues, a friend and co-blogger, Saffron and Blueberry has setup a donation post on her blog. If you leave a comment, 10$ will be donated to the Haiti Relief Effort.

As as aside, please read this post by Alanna Shaikh on why you should always donate money and not stuff(clothes, food,blankets) for relief effort.

Ree

Because life doesnt hand great, worth dying for, ever smiling, ever articulate friends like you on a platter.

Because when you did face some difficulty you stood dignified and taught us about that rarely-used tool called silence.

Because you planned and prepped your fairytale like a mother tends to a newborn child

Because no matter how the fanfare turned out to be, that wintry night of 9th was filled with the warmth of your love.

Because I could sit at a distance and watch you dance and have fun, like the world didn't exist.

Because wherever you go, your quirky magical side will charm people.

I am glad you came my way, Ree.

Child-free Marriages

I know a couple that have been married for quite some time now. As a group of friends when this couple and friends meet, there are questions about when they are going to give the 'good news'. Of course all that banter is taken in the good spirit.

But I must imagine the kind of scrutiny that they must be going through, when they meet relatives. The eyebrows, the constant questions, the nudging and the assumptions that one of them must be infertile. Its weird that in the Indian context we worry so much about marriage, career and family. Especially since how we lead our careers, marriage and family is a personal choice.

I like this comment by one of the characters in Embroideries (must must must read)--' The West so open and free about sex and sexual choices that they dont have to worry about it. Which is why they can concentrate on progressing. Here our definition about family, career and rights is so construed that we spend a large part of our lives deciphering our stands in life '(the book is based in Iran).

This article in Boing Boing is about the same issues. Thankfully there are a lot of websites for child-free couples and I like what the article asks about work choices and selfishness. So a person who rushes early from work to attend to a kid is more human than one who heads home to feed a dog? Which is a legitimate reason? Some thought provoking stuff there.

My personal view is undecided. I have a lot of life and experiences to live before I decide to take either side. But its interesting to know that such a choice is no uncommon and certainly not unfair. It is also interesting to remember that most lifestyle choices like marriage or having babies are just urges to 'Keep Up with the Joneses'. We may not realize it, but it just stems out of the fact that you want to do similar activities and have identical conversations as your friends. I will not deny it myself. My expanded world view(subjective phrase) is because of the people I interact with and the television and reading choices I make. So if friends are doing inter-cultural marriages, there is a greater chance that I might consider the possibility.

I like the fact that the possibilities of today's world lets you live on either side of the fence without any pressures of right or wrong. Assuming you know what's right and wrong for you.

What do you think?

Update : You must read about Ayelet Waldman. I heard Ayelet speak on the Oprah Winfrey show, after her controversial ' I love my husband more than my children statement'. It was considered controversial, because a lot of American housewives could not imagining loving husbands more than their kids. Oprah invited women who disagreed with Ayelet and women who believed in the opposite. My take from the show was that, women who displayed more affection to their spouses in front of their kids, were likely to raise aware children. And women who loved their kids more had disgruntled husbands and submissive lives. The reality may differ from family to family but I found the opposition to hubby love versus kid love unnecessary.

H&M 's clothing disaster

When I moved to India from the Middle East, I was happy that a lot of Indian magazines would be easy to find. We rarely got any in my city and it was so much cheaper in India. Of course, those were the days when magazines would share fluff articles on the web, and all the mainstream articles in the magazine. So the end result was that you had to buy the magazine.

One such cover story by a magazine was on Shiv Khera. This time was right after the Chicken Soup brigade had taken off in a big way(Last I heard there is Chicken Soup for a Barber's Soul!). To milk the pseudo Indian audience Shiv Khera had launched his book ' You Can Win', which was essentially a collection of old wisdom packaged with some optimism and garnished with words like 'motivation','integrity' and the usual blah. (If you're wondering, yes I did read a few chapters of the book until this cover story in this magazine came to the fore)

The cover story was about Shiv Khera borrowing his writing material from small time writers. He didnt tell them he would publish their work in a book. As is the case with all scams, he walked away with the profits. In my mind, there was no dilemma. I had read a few chapters, classified it as 'old wine in an Indian bottle' and moved on.

The important thing here is that Shiv Khera is not a writer I would like to remember. And maybe I wouldn't remember him, if it hadn't been for that cover story of his.(Of course, once the cover story was out, like any self-respecting book lover I dissuaded other people from buying the book, by shoving the cover story in their face! )

Now we come to this article. H&M may have a lot of fans across the world. But this damning article is going to make every single sale and discount act of theirs look cheap. Its amazing how as consumers we may be swept away by the brand but we do remember the one disgusting act of the corporation. I dont say that the purchasing decisions of a lot of people are going to change, because as consumers we have the power to ignore and forget. But, it does not allow a large corporation to get away with a beastly act like that. In terms of smartness, how does one do such stupid things? Imagine the brownie points they could have stored if they could have walked across the streets and donated those clothes?

Clearly somebody's PR team is working overtime.

That squirmy feeling

I met an acquaintance a few weeks back. I was hesitating to write this post because the acquaintance has relatives who read this blog. Since I am a girl of very good sensibilities(ahem! Notice how I inserted the self-praise?) I have decided to go the anonymous way.

So this acquaintance was in good contact with me during my formative years when I moved to my current city. However the usual ass-licking (sorry for using crass language, but nothing replaces that!) was putting me off.

The conversation would be like :

Me : Hi! How are you..(followed by necessary small talk...hate it!)

Acquaintance : hey! glad to see you here. I was just talking about you to X!

That standard opening dialogue was repulsive. Its not like I am so close to this person that I need to be discussed right before I meet him/her.Post that many numbers were posted on some social networking page of mine. And the general expectation was that I should call back when my phone number is present on the same networking site! I did not call back. In my own subtle way, I conveyed the message that I was not interested in keeping in touch.

I did this post some time back. When I reflect , I think that the assumption of 'not calling back =being bleh' is stupid. Someone will call you, if they want to call you. If they don't, its not like they are bad-mouthing you. So stop assuming the self-pity, 'she hates me' label.

For people who dont 'keep in touch', its likely that they have moved on to new friendships and careers. Its normal human behaviour. If you want to behave like a whiny baby and keep cribbing about 'how many times you have called him but he doesnt keep in touch', please do.

The world needs whiners like you to write blog posts, if nothing else!

Update : I have to link this brilliant post by Jinal Shah. It explains the need to declutter and to break some bridges that are way too much maintenance.

Agree to Disagree

I asked a friend why she stopped talking to another friend.

She replied saying that she didnt like her. To which I argued, that if making friends was all about finding people who agreed with us, we would be one big circle of sycophants.

She convinced me with this argument-' ..its ok to want to be friends with people who have polar opposite thoughts. But when those thoughts and individuals try to convert you to their point of view, or attack your self-esteem, they should be dropped like hot coal.'

The idea is to have a diverse set of thoughts, but self-esteem attackers for friends is like having anorexia. You think you are getting thinner, but you are losing your immune system along with it.

Known certainty

We have been asked this question so many times--'if you had a chance to go back to your childhood, would you take it? '. I am sure most of us would say yes(unless you have had a bad childhood), as long as we had the chance to create change.

However, if the same question would have the catch that you cant change anything about your past, would you still take it?

Known certainty, however happy is boring. We humans revel in unknowns.